Monday, November 2, 2009

Down came the rain

Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since my last post! It's been a very difficult few months for my family. Some of you may already know I'm going through an (eek) divorce. I do not advocate divorce at all...quite the opposite, but sometimes you try to fix, deal, forgive...and a year goes by and then a few months more. One day there comes a point that you just know in your heart things will never be as they were. I knew from watching my own parents' marriage that staying in an unhappy marriage "for the kids" is one of the worst things you could do for your kids! My decision was a looong time coming and I didn't give up without a fight, but in the end I had to do what was best for all of us.
Some of you may also know that I have suffered for nine years with Panic Disorder/Agoraphobia and after many years (and many meds) I finally found a medication/psychiatrist combo that made me feel 80% better....but I still panicked at the steering wheel. I still couldn't be alone. My eyes still scanned the room for the phone/exits. Anxiety makes you feel dependant on people closest to you and sometimes the one closest to you isn't exactly someone you feel you can depend on...if that makes any sense. I felt very unhappy in my marriage but I was also terrified of being "out there" in the world; I have known for a long time that it was my own fears that kept me in the miserable position I was in. In the past, huge life changes happened to me, not because of me andhere I was, forcing this huge change! 
We have been doing a lot of this lately :)
And I'm not going to lie, it was scary but I pushed through those fears. I had a five year old that needed to be enrolled in k-5 in two weeks so I literally forced myself to do things I hadn't done in years. It was a crash course in exposure therapy but it was exactly what I needed to get over a huge peak with this panic that's a good thing!

"Silly Sock" Day at school
All that matters to me are those two, my precious girls. Thank God for my parents who have helped us financially. My dad, who has lent his new car for me to drive since this mess began and who has kept the tank full; who has paid for repairs that needed to be made to the townhouse and let me do our laundry at his house. My mom, who has looked after my health (I was down to 99 lbs) and would take me and the girls out to eat, get me vitamins, help with the kids and remind me to pray. I'm especially thankful for my sister who has helped toughen me up and who has had my back throughout all the hell I've endured in my marriage. I don't know what would have happened had I not had (and still have) her pushing me. Zoe wouldn't have had school clothes or school pictures, presents for her birthday if it were not for them. So this is my public thank-you to them and to all of you who have prayed and sent kind thoughts to us during this time. We love you so much!

I'll end this this post on a happy note.I'd like to introduce my new niece, Alaisha Nadine, born on Zoe's birthday, September 23rd....complete with that new baby smell!
* Shop News: I'm so sorry it has taken so long to get back to Etsy and I apologize to anyone who has been waiting, any convos I have neglected to reply to or get back to...I'm so sorry :( I hope this post helps everyone understand. I have an update up my sleeve....I'll definitely let you know when!


  1. Wow! I just drop into your blog now and again because of the pretty dolls, it sounds like you've kicked some serious butt of late and like you're taking control of your destiny! I suffer from anxiety and panic attacks and this year I've just managed to get the med/dr situation right and I know how great it is when you start to reconquer things!
    You go girl!

  2. Hey Becca! I LOVE hearing from others who can relate. After nine years I honestly thought I'd be that way forever. You're so right...I missed my independence more than I thought I did! Congrats on getting your anxiety under control as well and thank-you so much for your encouragement! Of course, (I say this 50 times a day since my panic went away) Thank you God!

  3. hey alex!! i'll try this again i tried to leave a comment but my laptop crashed than lost connection than my laptop didn't want to turn on UGH!! as wendy williams saids how you doin'? wanted to say it's great to hear you're doing better. and your lovely girls look so pretty. day by day my sista is all we can do. sending much love and postive energy to you and your lovely girls always!!!
    oxoxox ~~~joanna

  4. Hi Joanna! Exactly, day by day...and every day is better than the last dispite all the spiteful, angry things he's doing to "punish" me for doing so well without him. It's not like I didn't give him plenty of chances though. Like I said. No regrets! Thanks so much for your love and positive energy. I'm so much happier now, but who couldn't use a little more positive energy! ;)

  5. So pleased that you are all well and you yourself are starting your life a fresh, taking small daily steps are the key and my heart goes out to you.
    i suffered with panic attacks and anxiety after having my first son, the first three years of his life were hard for me to be in 'too much' company, and a quick dash to the shops was all i could manage as hot wave would overcome me and i'll start to run back to my car.
    Thankfully after the right medication, a new and wonderfully supportive partner, I am so much better now, i get low days still as i have another new son who is 'active' to say the least! lol and keeps me on my toes
    Keep on track, hugs xxxx

  6. I feel for you Deanne. Especially when you have young kids. I really feel like having Panic Disorder robbed my girls of years of where I could have been a better mother...reading them a bedtime story would trigger panic. I had it bad for so long. Calling 911 on an annual basis. I thought I would die during childbirth (I mean how could my body take any more stress?!) I know how it feels at the grocery store checkout...the waves of adrenaline, flushing, and that horrible "being smothered" feeling. It's hard for people who don't have this condition to understand why we can't just "snap out of it".

    I consider my recovery an absolute miracle, a blessing from God! I'm so happy for you that your meds have leveled things out for you...I know the ups and downs. It's great you have a supportive partner, that is so important. I used to call my parents or sis, my husband was NO support. If your partner has a single brother please ship him to me :)

    Wishing you the best!
    *hugs back*

  7. alex
    it's good to share your thoughts.
    be strong & take good care of yourself
    and your girls.

  8. Thanks for your reply Alex. Even though I feel so much better now, I will never forget what it did to me, like you say I feel robbed off my first borns first few years :( and can barely remember the first few months of his life :(
    Now I tell myself that if I have a panic attack so bad, that its my bodies way of saying 'Take a break, sit down, calm down, remember yourself for a moment' so I do and I feel better.
    Thats half the problem being a Mummy, we forget about ourselves, and that we are allowed to be 'Deanne' and 'Alex' after the children are born. Thankfully I'm just starting to realise that now, its took 7 years but I'm starting to feel like 'me' again :)
    Take care xxxx

  9. Ymesther, so great to still have you around! :) Thanks so much for your support and well-wishes!

    Deanne, you are so right. Now if I start to feel a rise in my anxiety I sit down (I never used the couch in the last place I lived) and just relax. People like us tend to be in "go,go,go" mode all the time and yor mind and body can only take so much.

    As for our children, I have that same guilt and there is nothing we can change about the past...but we can sure make up for it now! :D

    I know now if I can get back to the person I was the "day before" it started any sufferer can. I hear that a lot on Panic Forums and it's true; that first attack changed my life..for the worst but I can see why I needed it to be a part of my life. I see the good in how it changed my reaction to things around me, my patience, how my thoughts have slowed, my ambitions returned...I'm so happy you have made it through the hard part, Dee.

    You know, Thanksgiving Day falls on my birthday this year (how appropriate). :D

  10. It has been a long time since we last talked. I am so sorry for everything you have been through and not staying in touch. I will continue to pray for you and your family. If there is ever anything I can do just let me know.

    I can do all things through Chrsit who stregthens me. Phil 4:13


  11. Thanks, Bunky. Prayers are my absolute favorite thing anyone can do for me and my girls right now. :)

    Your profile is me your email address if you get a chance! Would love to talk to you! Hope all is well with you and your family!

  12. Hi Alex, you know I pray for you and your girls!

  13. Your the best Mon, thank-you sooooo much! I'll be in touch very soon, promise!