Wow, I can't believe it's been so long since my last post! It's been a difficult few months for my family. Some of you may already know I'm going through a divorce. I want all of you to know that I'm leaving my marriage with no regrets. It needed to happen. I won't go into detail about his character but I will say this: it's taken longer for me to get over ex-boyfriends then it has my husband and I feel happy and closer to "myself" than I have in a very, very, long time.
Some of you may also know that I suffered for nine years with Panic Disorder/Agoraphobia and after many years (and many meds) I finally found a medication/psychiatrist combo that made me feel 80% better....but I still panicked at the steering wheel. I still couldn't be alone. My eyes still scanned the room for the phone.
Click here for my favorite (as in, most accurate) video about living with this disorder for a long time.
My marriage has been a source of depression for me for the past three years. It's a relationship I feel that should have been had in high school, not in my adult life. He had cheated a lot but my condition made me feel dependant on him. He liked to keep my weak self-esteem at the bottom of the gutter and I just felt at his mercy every second. Trapped. I was under appreciated, overworked and very lonely. I wasn't in love with him but I wanted to be. We had children together. A man wants respect as much as a woman needs to be able to respect her man but I had none to give him.
We have been doing a lot of this lately :)
I did my usual semi-annual thing with him: "Counseling or divorce". I told him to say nothing until the end of the week and every day/night I prayed harder than I have ever prayed in my life that whatever his decision, it would be what was best for the girls and I. I wanted out and he knew it but every time he said "divorce" he would never follow through, he'd feed me BS about how he'd change...we don't need counseling, blah, blah, blah and we stayed in this horrible, monotonous, marital limbo. For me, I was so afraid of the outside world...this misery was almost a relief, although I dreamed of a different life. I knew I deserved better and I really wanted him to go out and find happiness so this time when he said "divorce" I was out of there (which worked out well after later discovering he was having an affair...no wonder he was so easy to get over)! I'm not one to believe that everything happens for a reason but I do believe in putting your faith in God's hands and in having faith in His decisions. I looked at it as God's will so me, my girls, (and my agoraphobia) kicked my deadbeat tenant out of my rental and started over.
I'm not going to lie, it was scary but I pushed through my fears. I had a five year old that needed to be enrolled in school in two weeks so for them, my children, I forced myself to do things I hadn't done in years. It was a crash course in Exposure Therapy but it was exactly what I needed to get over my Panic Disorder which was the one thing I have continually prayed for God to take away. I know He answers prayers in His own timing and I truly believe He was waiting for me to have honest-faith that I didn't need my husband. I passed the test and this is my blessing, my gift!
I had been a stay-at-home-mom for the past four years so I filed for Child Support right away. They tried to send him the paperwork but he wouldn't go to the P.O. to pick up that letter, (I'm still waiting for the Sheriff's dept. to serve him). My youngest is four and you can't take your four year old to work. I applied for daycare assistance and was denied because my husband paid one month of our mortgage ( he hasn't paid that mortgage since). The next option would be to work 20 hours a week or be enrolled in school 20 hours a week. The latter was out because I can't pay bills going to school and the former has been struggle since you need money to put your child in daycare but you need a job to have that money for daycare and you can't get any money unless you have a job. So you basically need a baby-sitter willing to work for free. Thanks FL!!
"Silly Sock" Day at school
All that matters to me are those two, my precious girls. Thank God for my parents who have helped us financially. My dad, who has lent his new car for me to drive since this mess began and who has kept the tank full; who has paid for repairs that needed to be made to the townhouse and let me do our laundry at his house. My mom, who has looked after my health (I was down to 99 lbs at 5'6) and would take me and the girls out to eat, get me vitamins, help with the kids and remind me to pray. I'm especially thankful for my sister who has helped toughen me up and who has had my back throughout all the hell I've endured in my marriage. I don't know what would have happened had I not had (and still have) her pushing me and I so appreciate her tough-love ways. Zoe wouldn't have had school clothes or school pictures, presents for her birthday if it were not for them. I have to blog still about the kick-ass birthday/Halloween party my sis threw over the weekend for Zoe and her son (and all the cousins). This is my public thank-you to them and to all of you who have prayed and sent kind thoughts to us during this time. Thank-you!! I love you! We love you!
Let me end this post on a not-so-depressive note. Introducing my newest niece, Alaisha Nadine, born September 23rd (Zoe's birthday!) She's a very good baby, so easy and sweet.....complete with that new baby smell!
SHOP NEWS!
I'm so sorry it has taken so long to get back to Etsy and I apologize to anyone who has been waiting, any convos I have neglected to reply to or get back to...I'm so sorry :( I hope this post helps everyone understand. I have an update up my sleeve....I'll definitely let you know when!
Edit: This was supposed to have been sent last night but two little girls wanted to snuggle and I fell asleep. Oops!
Hilarious outdoor games
